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| finals is a wonderful time to blog. or do anything else BUT study. i find that i have nothing to do after its over... b/c i did everything i was going to do AFTER the final, BEFORE. well, i guess thats just how it is.
i dont know why, but ive been very emotional lately (and no, its not that time of the month, or even soon). ive felt a need to cry, for some reason, and when i do. it feels oddly refreshing. so ive been wondering why this was, and i dont really know (or probably never will) but i have some ideas. i think it may be because... i have not felt much emotion lately? does this even sound probable? i have been going at a pretty constant... no feeling run for awhile. other than stressed/anxiety but that may be why i feel like crying too (HAHA). or maybe its the lack of feeling anything else BUT that, so anything is welcome.
once again i feel very discouraged with where i'm going in life and do not really know which way is right. oddly, ive been blessed with such good company. i really do not know why they stick around (or maybe its because they have no choice), for i have never been as good of friend to them. i have nothing to offer, before it used to be just my company but even that now, is very rare. i have not been able to spend as much time with them, even if they needed me. and i feel awful for that.
ive been thinking of my deceased exboyfriend a lot lately. why? who knows.
ive been thinking a lot of my past relationships in general lately also. this again, i really do not know why.
my insecurity and trust is far beyond gone. it will drive my current relationship into the ground i fear.
i want to say, let come what may... but in all honesty. i feel that is too easy. i guess i cannot stop (or maybe i can) things that will happen... but hopefully i can prepare myself for some of it. but i will never be prepared for the worst of it. no matter how well we prepare ourselves it seems, that we are never prepared in the end.
i wonder if i will be sad to see everything end. or be glad thats its over. i think it will be 80% of the first and 20% of the latter. i hope to God, that everybody i love will be in heaven. even if im not there along with them.
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| You've asked me to blog and i shall!
My gift of words has long left me, from neglect and the un-thinking me I've become. But I shall try my best, for you. Hopefully this is as entertaining as much as your stranger blog you've been enjoying all this time.
Honestly, I am just writing, to give you props and to speak my mind of what I think of life.
I think you are a wonderful person. One of the nicest, most thoughtful, and sweetest girls I have ever met. I truly wish the best for you in all that you do (seriously). But of course, the worst seems to always happen to the best of us and I admire you for your strength and courage of how you deal with family, especially your dad.
At a young age you've become a sort of a mother, mentor, and older sister to many (even those older than you). You show a selflessness that not most can even begin to incorporate into their own lives. Believe me, you are human (I'm not idolizing you, so get over it girlfriend). But the innocence (ignorance haha) and quirkiness is cute and refreshing. You are a still a kid in some aspects but have big people responsibilities... or rather deal with old (like super old, cuz I guess we are old people already) people problems.
My heart really goes out to you when I think of you and your family. I've had to lose someone close to me, but not family yet. I can only imagine that the pain will be seven-fold (or a trillion fold) more than what I experienced. I so feel you sista, and sometimes I wish you would just cry in front of me instead of being so strong. I am here for you homie. Don't hesitate to ask for anything, I would give it to you if I could. I know you probably won't, because you are like that but just know I am here. That is the most I can offer, and hopefully later I can offer you more than just my companionship (free eye exams... after Dr. P and Dr. Dinh retire HAHA, I will probably have a couple more years left in me I hope).
Other than that, I know I do not really have a right to complain about my trivial problems such as class being cancelled or stupid relationship problems I have with Michael or his family. We should all be grateful for having what we have instead of bitching and moaning about every little thing that could be, or could have been. It is in our nature though, always wanting more, never satisfied with what we have. We are selfish beings. Sometimes I loathe mankind. The way we are naturally just disgusts me.
I used to think things always happened for a reason and I never really felt bad about things that happened in the past. I lived life with no regrets. But I realized it was a foolish thing to do for it was only an excuse that made everything that was, okay. Now that I look back at my so called life, I find that I have tons... and tons of regrets. So many mistakes I've made in life that I wish I could erase them altogether.Before I felt that no matter how bad, no matter what happened, it was an experience that I would never take back. Something I would always learn from. I disagree with this now. Before I was an optimistic pessimist (realist), however now I've just become a realist. No sugar coating, no cherry on top. Just straight to the point. Lay it on the table how it is and how it probably is going to be.
I admire those who can be true to themselves. Those who follow their passions, their beliefs. It's something I do not do, something that I cannot reach inside myself to find. Sometimes I wonder if I'm stopping myself subconsciously because I am afraid deep inside of failing.
My biggest fear is to never find love. To never find true happiness. To never find truth in all that is... this thing called life. So far my fears are coming true. I know we are young, but are we really? If I've already wasted 24 years of my 100 or so years (if I'm lucky... or maybe not if I live THAT long) of life not knowing these things... how sad that truly is. It saddens me greatly. But self pity is one of the things I do best. I wish to diminish this strength and gain another.
I am grateful I met you San. I am very thankful to God that he allows good people like you to come across my path. People like you make me a better person. Puts things into perspective. Makes my heart feel, instead of becoming a stupid cold bitch that I turn into if I surround myself with materialistic uncaring people.
So I hope, at least after reading this entry that you come away with one fact alone. San you are a beautiful, wonderful, strong woman. I hope nothing and nobody changes this about you, or I may have to go kick some arse. ;)
Love ya holmes.
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| oh faithful xanga.
here i always come back for comfort and solace. and you are always are here waiting for me.
so again to waste time from my studies... i reflect on other things.
i wonder why such trivial things in life mean so much, when in the end scheme of all things it doesn't mean anything at all. or maybe its the little things that make the big things mean that much more?
i bitch and moan about not having enough time for school, work, studying for the oats, and applications. how im tired and im broke, taking a minimum wage paying job in hopes to gain experience in the field...
how selfish i am to even voice these concerns of mine when a friends father's life is on the line. i cant even begin to imagine what she's going through, what thoughts and emotions run through her day and night. the worst things always seem to happen to the best of us.
i am so lucky in so many ways.. and not. i guess it is in my nature to only focus on myself. but honestly. experience has taught me to look after my ass and mine only. family yes. but no more. sad as it is, it is true. i hope someone proves me wrong someday.
ive become a very superficial, materialistic person. love is an unrealistic word in my dictionary. my life has become money-oriented only.
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| this relationship that is riddled with lies.
i dont know what to believe anymore. he had my trust. my whole entire being of trust. then it was chipped away slowly with one lie after another.theres nothing left. i cannot believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore.
i dont know where he's been. and now in turn, im scared for own well being.
im so stupid. give it up already rina. i felt that i deserved this, but i think ive paid my dues i hope. haven't i?
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| i think something horrible has happened. has been happening.
maybe this is why i had such bad disturbing dreams these last couple days.
coming to michaels house today is almost like nailing the coffin shut.
i know i should have not seen what i have seen.
but what a fool i must be.
i should have just gone with my gut instinct... stupid heart why did u bother me with such love?
now you have just made me a fool, and possibly have left me with a problem i will have to live with for the rest of my life.
i should be so mad right now. but im just really really scared.
ive never been so scared in my life. | | |
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